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I need a girlfriend so bad

Dear Therapist,. I say mostly because there is one problem that always threatens to ruin everything. I have had multiple incidents where I deceived my girlfriend by flirting and secretly communicating with other women, and have had two incidents where I actually kissed other women. Both times my girlfriend found out, and it created incredible upheaval for us. I have been lucky in that I have convinced her to stay, telling her how badly I want to change I do and what I will do to make this work.

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Dear Therapist,. I say mostly because there is one problem that always threatens to ruin everything. I have had multiple incidents where I deceived my girlfriend by flirting and secretly communicating with other women, and have had two incidents where I actually kissed other women.

Both times my girlfriend found out, and it created incredible upheaval for us. I have been lucky in that I have convinced her to stay, telling her how badly I want to change I do and what I will do to make this work. I decided to start therapy after the last incident.

But I thought that after the first time. I have a pretty difficult relationship with both my parents, but especially my father, who for my entire life has had a romantic relationship with another woman besides my mom.

Though my parents remain married, my dad spends much of his time with this woman, even going on vacations with her. We rarely talk about it in the family, though everyone knows. I never want to be my father and ruin my family the way he has, but I worry that seeing and experiencing all of this as a kid somehow screwed me up for life. I also think that some of this is about validation. I never really felt loved or supported by my parents who have always been really hard on me.

I know deep down they love me, but they were sometimes outright mean to me as a kid and would even call me stupid. I worry that the love and support I needed then is now being satisfied by me going out and getting attention from girls.

I know all of this probably makes me sound like a huge jerk, but I promise you I love my girlfriend more than anything. I want to marry her someday. But I know if I do this again, it will be the last straw. Please, how can I prevent this? What else can I do? What is wrong with me? Will I be this way forever? Please Help,. A Shitty Boyfriend. Dear Boyfriend,.

When I sat down to respond to your long letter, my first thought was, I need to edit this down. In the same way that people in therapy might take a while to get to the point, I wanted to get to the crux of your question. If you and your therapist were already exploring all of the questions you asked in your letter, what, I wondered, were you asking of me?

I could help you to unpack the terrible dilemma you face in being torn between protecting your mother from heartache and protecting your girlfriend from heartache — and allow you to see how the rage and resentment you likely feel at being obliged to make your mom feel safe might get played out in making your girlfriend feel unsafe by not being faithful to her.

So here you are, forming an emotionally intimate attachment to a reliable woman your therapist , and yet you feel the urge to bring those intimacies to another woman this therapist.

Sound familiar? I think you do it for safety. It says, what is this foreign and scary thing coming my way? What if I really am stupid? Why would she even care about me? What if she thinks I really am a huge jerk? What feels familiar to you is being called stupid. What feels familiar to you is having knowledge of an ongoing betrayal but not being allowed to talk openly about it.

What you need more than validation is a sense of safety, and that requires rejiggering the glitchy pathway in your brain that tells you what to run from and what to come closer toward. Tell her about your lifelong anger and pain and disappointment and the deep, deep sadness underlying it all. Lori Gottlieb is a writer and a psychotherapist in private practice. Got a question?

Email therapy nymag. Her column will appear here every Friday. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Already a subscriber? Log in or link your magazine subscription. Account Profile. Sign Out. Photo-Illustration: James Gallagher. Tags: cut homepage lede top story what your therapist really thinks relationships therapy cheating.

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D id you know for years I would go to bed every night with a sick feeling of loneliness inside me? All I ever really wanted was someone, a woman, a girl, to be by my side when I woke up in the morning. My thoughts ran from sadness, to despair, to anger, and then back again. Repeating itself time and time again. And oddly enough as it sounds, I never understood how guys could settle for women I did NOT find attractive myself.

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I was one of them. What if she said no? Even worse: what if she liked me too?

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No in between. The end. Signs point to no. Sort of, but mainly no.

I love my girlfriend very much. I shower her with gifts and take absolute perfect care of her. Despite that, she says she wishes I would treat her worse. But she only gets upset when I do. Meanwhile, she yells at me about everything I do. Why does my girlfriend treat me so bad?

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Comments: 1
  1. Malagul

    I congratulate, this excellent idea is necessary just by the way

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